Apr 20, 2011

Question
Is it wrong to make fun of someone’s lisp, even though they recognize you from an animal plate seen on a TV commercial?
Hugeh 

Hugeh might be dead, everyone cross their fingers.

Cornelio 

Of course not, lisp's are hilarious. With a bit of speech therapy, lisps can be fixed — so, no harm, no foul. What can't be fixed however, is a picture of a retard on an animal plate. That shit is permanent.

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Apr 13, 2011

Question
I feel like taking over the world and killing all the Royal families so that I can redistribute wealth back to the offspring of the serfs they royally fucked for over a 1000 years. Am I disturbed? How would you go about doing this?
Hugeh 

You're not disturbed. If you wrote in and said, "I'd like to dig up what remains of the royal families loved ones and skull fuck them on a web camera while charging people $29.95 to watch", then I'd say you're disturbed.

Actually, that'd just make you a smart businessman. If you started to eat those bones after you fucked them, then we'd have to talk about disturbing ...

Your plan is retarded though. You want to murder a bunch of people who are so inbred and inept that they've let "democratic" governments take over their countries anyway. Yeah they have money, but the real greedy fucks you want to steal from are the banks, not the royal families.

The thing is, nobody likes a bank robber. Go ahead. Name one popular bank robber.

I'll wait.

But let's say you're successful in robbing all those banks and redistributing the wealth. What did you accomplish? If you give these people too much money, they're going to become fat, bloated on their own wealth snobs, just like the royal families. If you give them too little, they're going to bitch and moan that you didn't give them enough and accuse you of holding out on them.

Either way, you're going to go to jail.

So if you really want to go down this reparations trail, dig up their bones, get yourself a web camera, and start charging people for the show. Then donate that money to an inner city school somewhere. You know, to the people who could really use it?

Cornelio 

Hey, crazy fuck. I think it's time to take the bluetooth out of your ear and put down the game controller. This is the real world, not some fucking Playstation game.

Are you disturbed? No … but I am.

I mean, everyone knows that if you want to take over the world, you need to figure out Google's algorithm and shut down Facebook. Controlling search results and eliminating civilization's online blood stream will essentially turn people into walking vegetables. The Royal families are just puppets in the show, you'll just be spinning your wheels.

Get your shit together and don't come back until you can ask us an intelligent question.

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Apr 8, 2011

Question
Who would survive longest: Schwarzenegger with AIDS or Chuck Norris with Ebola?
Hugeh 

Since they cured Ebola in monkeys (congratulate your mother on that one for me), and the only thing that can kill Chuck Norris is a bad Chuck Norris joke, let's take that one off the table.

That leaves us with Schwarzenegger and AIDS, right? But since AIDS hasn't taken down Magic Johnson, how bad can it be?

So really, your question is stupid. AIDS is harmless, Ebola has been (sort of) cured, and I'm left to decide which old, used to be famous white guy would survive the longest.

What exactly are they surviving? Considering they're both very wealthy, I can say for sure they're going to outlive you.

But ... let's pretend you're not a total idiot and answer this question at face value. Arnold would have to bleed all over Chuck Norris if they got into a fight, otherwise his AIDS is useless.

All Chuck Norris would have to do is breathe on Arnold, and he'd be dead in seventy-two hours. The thing is, if Chuck is that contagious and plague riddled, he probably won't be anywhere outside of a hospital bed. So the odds of him facing The Govenator in mortal combat, and winning, are slim.

Of course if Arnold pulls a Killer Kowalski and shows up at Chuck's bed to mock his suffering, Chuck may have the upper hand.

Unfortunately, Arnold isn't Polish like me or Kowalski, so he's not an idiot and won't be going to any hospitals any time soon.

That means Arnold wins, and since Chuck would be dead in a matter of days, he would also survive the longest.

Cornelio 

Fantastic question!

 

In fact, it's such a good question that I'm willing to overlook the fact that you're a fucking loser for asking it. I mean, this is the shit that keeps you up at night?

Here's the thing; Norris is immortal … you've read the fact book. While it's nearly impossible to outlive an immortal, if anyone can do it, it's Schwarzenegger. Any man that can survive with a wife that looks like Skelator's retarded daughter has my vote.

Going one level deeper, you need to ask yourself, how did they contract their respective disease? In the case of Norris, it's most likely that in some sort of heroic attempt to suck the radiation out of the contaminated water near Japan, he swallowed the semen of a monkey that was mid-orgasm when the Tsunami hit. It's a case of being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

On the other hand, if Schwarzenegger contracted AIDS, it's probably because he wanted to.

Here's how I see it: In order to resurrect his career, his agent tells him he needs a feel-good angle that his aging fans could rally around. He likes the idea and takes it one step further — death. He sees this as the way out of his shitty post-Jingle All The Way career and marriage with his dog-faced wife. He sets the date and contracts the disease in a three-way orgy with Jean-Claude Van Damme and Danny DeVito.

My initial reaction was to go with Schwarzenegger, but I'm just not sure he has the will to live (and I can't blame him). With that said, my final answer is Norris.

God damn, great fucking question.

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Feb 16, 2011

Question
Can you give me a some ways to play a nice prank/get revenge on my asshole co-worker?
Hugeh 

Absolutely.

Here’s what I want you to do: Your job is to track down photos of monsters raping Kim Possible and put them on a flash drive. To cover your ass, this should be done at the library.

Kim Possible, although she doesn’t exist, is technically a teenager, meaning possessing photos of her having sex with anything, especially monsters, are probably against the law.

Now, see if you can find a way to get your co-worker away from their computer. It doesn’t matter if this is at an office or at a Best Buy, computers are everywhere.

 

While your co-worker is distracted, put the photos of Kim Possible being raped by a monster all over the desktop, making the most offensive one the background.

Then all you gotta do is alert the authorities (and your boss) and the rest takes care of itself.

Cornelio 

I've got another option, one that will end in paralysis, which will be hilarious.

I'm hoping you're skilled, because this can get a bit tricky. You see, we need to be able to disable the nerves by way of the nervous system. There are a couple of ways to do this, but, for sake of not getting too complex, we'll take the easy approach.

You'll want to head down to South American, Guyana to be exact. Once there, the indigenous people will lead to you the supplies: vial of Curare, bamboo and a set of blowgun darts. (If you know someone in the States that has a drug problem and access to a vet clinic, it might save you a trip.)

Before you head to the office on Monday, cut the bamboo down to a single six-inch piece, dump the Curare in a tupperware dish and put the darts in a Ziplock snack bag. Shovel all that shit in your lunch bag and hit the road.

Once at work, dip the tip of a single dart in the Curare and place it point-up on the subjects office chair. Now you wait.

Use the bamboo to peek at your subject. If they notice the dart before sitting down, use the bamboo to shoot another Curare-laced dart into the back of the neck.

Within a few moments the subject will have fallen to the ground, having lost all sensation from the head, down. The chemical will eventually wear off, but not before panic ensues, paramedics arrive and he/she shits in their pants.

Meanwhile, feel free to have a good laugh with co-workers at the asshole's expense.

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Feb 16, 2011

Question
Why the fuck did you not respond to my 3 part question I asked yesterday?
Hugeh 

I was too busy fucking your Father. It was the only way I was able to answer this other guy’s question about tossing the salad properly.

Oh hey, when you get home, can you let him know he still owes me for the Cleveland Steamer I gave him? That usually runs about $800 and I’m starting to run low on funding for my snuff film.

Cornelio 

Oh my, please don't be upset, dipshit. On behalf of Hugeh and myself, please accept our deepest and most sincere fucking apology. As you can see from the number of posts, sir fuckstick, we've had many questions asked of us. I wish we could have gotten to your retarded well thought-out question sooner, but it would be an injustice to everyone (except especially you) if we didn't put 5% 110% into every question we answer. Clearly Unfortunately, that means that it may take us a bit longer to respond. Rot in hell.

I assure you that your death satisfaction means everything to us. I hope you choke on a shard of glass. This will never happen again.

P.S. Shit for brains My good friend, numbers smaller than ten, should be spelled out. Welcome to the 2nd grade. I'm sure it was just an oversight on your part, because you are very smart.

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Feb 15, 2011

Question
When tossing each others salad, do you work in a clockwise or counter-clockwise motion?
Hugeh 

Having never tossed someone’s salad, except for that brief period in my life when I worked at the Olive Garden ... I’m not really sure.

I guess the real question is: How much syrup or dressing do you have to work with?

Cornelio 

It's a long-standing Prick tradition that, no Prick should toss the salad of another Prick, no matter how much the other Prick desires it. It would be the equivalent of mixing matter with matter, which we all know from the movie Time Cop, is never a good thing.

If, for instance, this wasn't a Prick to Prick tossing, direction would be based on several astrological factors, which are far to complex for a simpleton such as yourself to understand.

Oh, and by the way, you're gay, right?

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Feb 14, 2011

Question
Hypothetically speaking, if someone “accidentally” killed an underage hispanic hooker, what would be the best way to dispose of said body? Also, is hispanic capitalized?
Hugeh 

It’s Latino, or in the case of your dead underage hooker friend, Latina. I’m told “Charro” is also an acceptable substitute if you’re really trying to impress the Latinas with a cool, hip new handle for them.

Semantics aside, let’s say you did kill your new Charro friend. What should you do? Go to Mexico and get a new one … I’m just kidding.

Ok, I’m not, but I have to say I am, otherwise people will think I’m a racist, and that’s simply not true. I pretty much hate all of you … especially the white man.

Cornelio 

Finally, a question that challenges me intellectually.

Generally speaking, I like to know who we're talking about, so for the sake of argument, let's say this "someone" is Scott Baio. In other words, it's some random, insignificant douchebag who you pathetically desire the attention of.

You have two choices. (1) You can help this worthless piece of shit clean up his dirty (no offense to the mamacitas) mess, or (2) you can do the right thing and fuck with this guy.

Clearly you're not intelligent, so let me quarterback this thing for you. We'll take option two.

Drag the body to the closest Glamour Shots, let the staff gussy her up and snap some photos. Now, leave the body, grab the photos and split. Once you get home, pack up your shit and leave — immediately (you may actually want to head to Mexico, how ironic). Once you reach your destination, find a free wireless connection and start a Facebook fan page titled, "Scott Baio thought he killed me, now he's going to die". Suggest that Scott becomes a fan using the fake account of a Mexican drug cartel godfather.

Over the next two months, drive by his house and yell random shit in Spanish.

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Feb 14, 2011

Question
Why world believes that there is none more idiotic than you?
Hugeh 

I don’t understand your question.

Cornelio 

You're a fuckin' mess. Clean up your shit and get back to us when you don't have a dick in your mouth.

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Feb 11, 2011

Question
fsdf
Hugeh  Finally … someone who speaks my language.
Cornelio  URAFN2L

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Feb 11, 2011

Question
Is it improper to shake a lady when it becomes clear that she doesn’t know what the fuck she’s talking about?
Hugeh 

No, but first you want to make sure she left her purse at home and stuffed all the cash she has into her pockets. If you do, this makes shaking her much more exciting.

This way shaking your woman will be more like playing a slot machine in Vegas and less like domestic violence. And might I add, a slot machine that doesn't require you to inhale cigarette smoke and sit near douchebags from LA.

Speaking of cigarette smoke, if you really want to let your woman friend know she’s not making sense, put a cigarette out in her face. I found that's an excellent tactic to employ, especially when on a date.

Cornelio 

The only reason it would be considered improper, is if you're not using the proper form. Don't worry, I've got your back. Follow these simple steps:

1. Turn on some music. Death metal would be ideal, but Ricky Martin will do in a pinch. (Note: Volume is dependent upon decibel level of scream.)

2. Call her over to you. This is important, she must come to you. Don't fuck this part up.

3. Stand with your legs shoulder width apart.

4. Position your left foot, one foot length in front of your right foot. Reverse this position if you're left-handed.

5. As she approaches, grab her right shoulder and pull her in. This will allow you to control the proper distance between you and your subject.

6. When the ideal distance is reached, use your open hand to apply one quick slap to the face, followed by a firm grip on the left shoulder.

7. Begin with a rapid push/pull shaking motion. Feel free to mix in a bit of side-to-side shaking to keep things uncomfortable.

8. At this point, you're welcome to improvise. (Note: Adding verbal abuse is proven to keep your testosterone at a optimal level.)

9. Once complete, ask her if she has learned her lesson. If a negative response is received, resume the position and repeat steps 5 through 8.

You're welcome.

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